It’s been a few months now since last I’ve posted anything and there are reasons for this. Let me start of if some of the things I’ve been doing.
When I got back from visting my family in Spain, I started reading, like lots! Within the first 3 weeks of returning, I read 35 books from kindle. I started going to work again but I couldn’t really get into it. Initially my contract with my workplace was supposed to finish at the end of January. I had lots of problems with this, and tried my best to find another place to work. None of the places I sent my CV to replied and some said that they’d found someone else instead. I felt very dishearted by this fact and I had no idea what I would do once my time was up.
As January started coming to a close, I was told that I would get a new contract until the end of June. I was very relieved to hear about this and relaxed. But the only reason I got this extended time was to finish my exam that is in the beginning of June. It’s less than 3 months until my exam and I’ve been getting more and more anxious, as time goes on. To avoid my problems here in this life, I’ve been reading just about non-stop since I came home from Spain. I’ve read over 100 books by now. I’ve lost count really as to how many books I’ve read, but it takes me about a day or 2 to finish a book of about 400-500 pages all depending if I get to read all day long.
And only just today I realised that I was really just running away from my problems of work and my exam. I’ve got the previous exams from passed years to look at and work on, but I can’t do them and I’m only getting more and more depressed. I took the whole of last week to get my sleeping in order because I was sleeping too little. I’d read until about 12am-2am and my body would wake up at about 3am-5am and I’d just continue reading until it was about time to get to work. Once at work, I’d continue reading until it was about time to go home. I’d ignore work, ignore the fact that exam is coming up soon, ignore everything.
One more thing that’s happened, is that I’ve kinda stopped eating. Well not really. In January I didn’t eat for about 3 weeks, this was more due to me not having enough money. I came home to too many bills and ended up with nothing for food or anything else. In February, I went about 2 weeks with nothing to eat. I had money this time but I didn’t feel up to eating and just didn’t have an appetite. This month I’ve been eating more but at the start of the month I went a whole week without eating. Most days now, I order food or just eat lunch or don’t bother at all.
I seem to have less and less motivation to do anything, even though I’d love to go out for a jog or go for a walk, though the weather here really stops me from doing that. It rains too often and it’s really cold this time of year, so I end up in bed and continue my reading. I did try and start writing my own book but I only got to page 9 before I kinda lost motivation.
Each day does by and everyone thinks I’m doing well, smiling, saying good morning and talking to them as if all is well. Well, I have news for everyone. I’ve gotten too good at hiding my emotions and showing how “happy” I am. My job is technically the best every, as it allows for me to relax and take my time, so I’m not lying when I say that I have the best job I could ask for, but I’m starting to feel that it’s getting harder and harder to get up in the morning and have motivation to do anything, to talk to people and pretend all is well.
I want to just just crawl under my duvet and hide from the world, to disappear from everyone. This feeling is slowly growing stronger and stronger everyday and has been for the passed year or so. The exam is just speeding up that feeling.
The boyfriend I have doesn’t know any of this and I have yet to even meet him after 9 months of being together. I love him to bits but it’s getting harder and harder because of the distance. He lives in Germany and I live here in Norway. I wish so much to snuggle up to him and relax with him. So it’s really frustrating me more and more as time goes on.
I wish live was easy but it’s really not. I feel lonely, sad and unhappy with my life. There are so many things I want to do, like making youtube video, streaming, finishing my book, create a game and so much more, but it’s hard to do when you have no motivation.
I currently live with a friend of mine. She’s a great friend, who I can relax with and don’t feel the need to talk to every time I see her. I also have my best friend, who I see every now and then. But they are about the only two people I see. I can’t say I’m helping much either. I’ve been invited out but because of either money or anti-social tendencies, I stay inside and away from everyone. Being with people exhaust me too much and I just can’t take it. I want to meet people, do stuff with them, but I get too exhausted and it really brings me down even more. I can’t be with people for more than an hour or less without wanting to go home.
I just couldn’t take this anymore. I usually keep all this type of stuff inside of me until the point I break, to the point where I can’t take it anymore. And today I just couldn’t take it and had to get it out somehow without telling anyone. I don’t want to talk to people about it. I don’t want anyone to know. I just want to disappear and no one be the wiser. I think that for today, I might just turn off everything and read and disappear for a bit.